simply to the point.

I am really tired of hearing people break down our president, especially in the church and i will simply state the fact right now. i am a registered independent, i voted for Obama and am proud i did. I guess i am just tired of hearing everyone say bad things about him, because guess what we are got him for till the next election, no you may not like it, but you should support him. Especially if you are a christain, because God tells you to, He tells us to pray for those raised up to lead the way. He tells you to love everyone, not just those who believe the same as you do. I'm am sorry if i offend anyone, but that's how i feel and i am sick and tired of hearing snide comments.
I'm off for now, write sometime in the future
Promise.
D

Like We're Dying

So I am sure most of you have heard the song "Live Like We're Dying" sung by Kris Allen. Now I have heard this song many times, and I got to thinking.
It's not easy to live like your dying if you have never been there. I don't know about you, but I don't think about this being my last moment in life, but if it were, I hate to say it, but I would be regretful, and if you know me, I try not to regret anything in life.
This then brings up another idea. What does it mean to live like you're dying? There are stories, people who have the "bucket list." Sky dive, run a marathon, things that you never did. But maybe it should be a little simpler. Talk to people, make an effort to be a friend, tell people how much you appreciate them, and love them.

I know this is kind of a weird topic, but there is a reason I am writing this. I am going to try and live more like I'm dying, because the truth is I don't know when God has planned to call me to Him. I don't want to find out that I missed out on something that He put in front of me, and I don't want anyone left here to wonder what they meant to me. I know if you really follow this it is selfish. But were this my last post, I hope people would not say what a hypocrite I was/am, but how loving I was, how thankful I was for my friends and family.

Now I am not saying I am going to go out and do all the things I want to do, because not only would it be a long, expensive, and sometimes dangerous list. bungee jumping, skydiving, get a tattoo, etc. Instead of that I am going to try and live without fear to tell the guy I like, that I like him. I'm going to try and live without fear of rejection, and for me this is a huge mountain to climb, not just from the guy, but from letting people see me. The real me, the one God has made, and not hide that. I don't want to be the light under the bowl.

So here is what I ask of you. If you see me doing something that you think I will be backstepping let me know. Don't be afraid to be honest, but don't be afraid of an honest reply. I'm asking this because I cannot do this alone, and one person won't be able to be around me always, and it would be a little creepy if they were.

I also challenge you to live like this as well.

well I should be off to bed soon.
Goodnight friends.
~D

The Amazing

I was at my sister's house this weekend, I played cars with my nephew, and ran around a mall. All in all it was a good weekend, thanks to a cool boss who gave me those days in a row. Sure last week started out badly, but this week it will go better, not much can darken my mood, although I am running on what feels like little sleep (I actually got quite a bit,) and just drove for the last 3 hours, ohh the joys. Then off to work my 9.5 hour shift at MckyD's, no stopping at home, no getting a hour nap.

Well it's okay, I will survive, and so will my crew, they have seen me through worse.

But what are the three things that have made my weekend?
One: Spending time with my sister, something that doesn't happen as much as I would like. She is one of those people that seems to know me without trying, even if we haven't been close are whole lives.
Two: My nephew Dominic, the coolest 2.5 year old I have met yet. Though he is in his terrible twos, he still is adorable, and lovable. He played cars with me, let me hold Kitty and Teddy, and played UNO with me. He rocks, especially since he will fight about who loves who. "I love you," "no I love you." and so on.
And of course Three: I felt my unborn, un-named, nephew kick, or really my sister thinks it his elbow or hand. It was soo cool, because when she was pregnant with Dominic he wouldn't kick. What makes this even cooler for me; Beth said he usually stops moving when someone besides her and Jon feel for him, but he sure moved for me. Yay!

When these things happen I cannot not believe that God is there watching everything, and orchestrating it all. So we have some bad days, think of all the small things God does. When a little flutter tells you there is a baby. When a family member calls even when you didn't know they would, and your having a bad day.
All these things, every little thing that is still working, how can I not want to worship the One who makes it all work. The one who paints the sky when the sun goes down, made up colors to put on trees, and who breathes life in all living things.

~D

Crazy McDonalds Rants,,, and others,

Most days I will tell every one I love my job, and I am not lying. I love working with people and with all my crew members. I am, and proud of being, a Certified Swing Manager, meaning I can run a shift, open, and close my store.
But then there are the days when I am not doing a good job at keeping patience, and am continually asking God to help me love His people, even though I just want to start explaining to them about common respect, and decency. So for today I will Rant to anyone listening and let you know some things you should do and things you should NOT do.

In drive-thru,
1 if the auto greet says order when ready, please order, do not say "Hello?", "Are you there?", or any kind of phrase like that, We are ready to take your order, so please order.
2 Please do not be on the phone when you get up to the auto greet, get off the phone before you get in the drive-thru lane. This is for two reasons, one, we never know who you are talking too, well at least most of the time, you are also saying that we, the drive-thru staff, do not deserve your respect. Second, we can hear your conversation, really we can, once you are at the speaker we can hear everything you say, so if you are going to a persons house for dinner, a party, are giving directions, or any other thing, remember there are at least three people who now know that information.
3 Don't smoke while going through, not only is it disrespectful to our staff, it is also illegal to smoke withing 10 feet of any opening, this includes the drive through window.
4 if we ask you to repeat yourself it is not usually because you are not speaking loudly enough, it is because the passenger is ordering, your truck or the one behind you is to loud, there was a loud noise in the store (example someone dropped a tray, or yelled to another worker,) or even that we have trouble understanding you because of an accent or something of the kind.
5 Please remember that not only is the person taking your order, but they are also taking the money of the car in front of you, and sometimes fixing the other customers order or adding to it, be patient with us and we will be more then willing to be patient with you.

I know these seem silly, and most people do not do these things, but enough do, to the point where we feel like we are going crazy. especially when people look at us like we are stupid, or since we work at McDonald's we couldn't do anything better.
Sorry for the rant, or drive-thru tutorial.
~D

You know its crazy, I am 21, it's 2010, and my family is in balance for the first time in a long time. It's amazing to see what God can do in a year. It sure has been a big year. And I am thankful for so much, confused as ever, and curious to know what He has in store for this new year.

Last year I was sent to Alaska with 6 others from my church, and 4 more that have been apart of our church through their mission work for a long time. I learned that my life is to help others, how I haven't quite figured that out yet. While there I met so many people who taught me so much, Dan and Barb, and their children, Caleb and Audry. They showed me how to love God and those around me even when you fear for your life, or the life of your family. Barb taught me just how important it is to hold onto His hand when you are uncertain of your future. Dan taught me that no matter what you can make it to the top of a mountain (well technically a glacier,) when you think you're at your end keep pushing, because He will give you strength.

I have found that God provides, even when you think He will leave a prayer unanswered, He has a way of making it work out to His will, and I am thankful that that includes a bedroom. (No more sleeping on a couch!!!) I have also found that when you follow Him you can find joy in the painful times.

Through this last year I have learned that having friends means you have to work at it. Now I knew this before, but I wasn't the best at putting this into action, but I hope all my friends know how much I love and appreciate them. How thankful I have them to pick my spirits up when they fall.

Through this last year I have realized how precious my family is to me. I hope you all know how much I love you and will always love you!

I guess you could say this year was another year, but for me, it was an amazing year that opened my eyes, heart, and mind. I may not know what I want to be when I grow up, what to study in school, and where I will be in 5 years, but I'm okay with that. I know I am Me, I still have growing to do, and things to learn, and I am ready to embark on this adventure, with Him by my side.

I look forward to what this year will bring.

Something Needed to Say

There are times I hate myself. Hate so burning I just want to cry, scream, to give up. I mean what can I do? How do you change yourself? People say don’t take the easy way, do what you want to do. What if you don’t know what that is? What do you have left when you don’t even know who you are any more?
I guess this is a book of questions, I don’t know. I sure as hell don’t know. I’m just the writer, I don’t know what is being said, I just know it has to be said. And what is that.
Sometimes I feel like I am a mistake, that God looked at me and thought ‘Crap that was a little off, but hey lets let her live, she might prove to be humorous to me.’ I know I am not the only one who has felt like this, and if you are one of those that have felt this way you know that it doesn’t help knowing that.
So I am not the “good Christian girl”, you know what I’m not ashamed of that. I’m so happy I have the belief in God as I do. But that doesn’t make me feel any less of a freak. I feel so turned upside down that I don’t know what to think anymore.
I believe God has a plan, but I am tired of seeing what it is all about. I’m tired of feeling like he only loves me sometimes, especially when I know its not true. Now I know what I say will offend many people, I won’t pretend I have good language or hell I won’t promise anything.
My only promise is that this is me. The me you never knew.
I didn’t know this is what this would be, and I don’t know where it will go, but it is for you, and I don’t even know who you are.
I don’t feel like I deserve to be loved, it’s true. I run from that emotion, not like parental love, though I don’t trust my parents with that still. I know how much it can hurt when your family is torn up by divorce. My mom left on valentines, I HATE that holiday. It was the first fight I heard my parents have.
And she left. How could she leave? I was thirteen, how could she leave me there? Sure I still saw her. I still loved her, and she still loved me. But how then could she then ask me who I wanted to live with. Saying, of course, that whatever I chose would not hurt her feelings. I was thirteen and I was the adult in our relationship.
I hated when she got drunk. Do you know she told me I wasn’t her favorite? Flat out told me, you know how much that hurts, not even 16 and holding your mom when she is crying and saying that? I never thought I would relive these feelings… This is harder than I thought it would be. After everything I did for her, she still got drunk and told me these things.
My father wasn’t much better. We would have “family meetings” where he would yell and talk down to us. How horrible we were for not doing this or that. I was in 7th grade, and failing at that. Then every few weeks there would be no water, no power, no food. Have you ever had to wash your hair in a bowl of water, not because your family has no money, but because your father didn’t pay the bill, he gambled the money away? Having to tell your father you cannot stay at his house because of how you are treated, because of what you don’t have?
While all this happened Daniel, didn’t make it to important events, even after he said he would. My eighth grade graduation. I didn’t get the party like all my other siblings did either, but Dustin got his GED grad party instead. I got none of that. Daniel, selfishly moved to who knows where without much word.
Now you may understand why I feel abandoned and why I fear relationships. And Beth? I don’t remember much about Beth when we were younger, not much about the trip with the family minus mom to South Carolina, I just didn’t know her.
I moved in with Lenny and Erin, dropped out of high school, got my GED, and got a job by the spring after my 16th birthday. Everything happened pretty quietly, no parties, not much congratulations that I remember. Lenny and Erin’s was hard, because no matter how much they told me they wouldn’t leave me, or kick me out, how could I believe them, my own mother had left me, my father neglected me. Why wouldn’t they?
I moved back with my dad after thanksgiving right before my 17th birthday, he had changed, and while I never fully trusted him, I loved him and forgave him. Please don’t think my Dad or Mom for that matter are bad people, they just made some stupid mistakes, and while I will never forget, I will always forgive them if they truly are sorry. I love them, but I cannot forget how much they can hurt me.
Now here comes another fun part to talk about, religion and belief. I believe in God, I always will, I don’t always believe in the church big C and little c. I think they try but humans screw up so much, I don’t think it is exactly what God says it should be, but then neither are human. I won’t throw much of what I believe in here, because that would be too long. But I will touch on points I will be writing about.
These things are well, and I can’t believe I am writing this, Sex and Porn. Sex is between husband and wife, that’s just what I believe. Porn, well it’s not good. Yeah we’ll stick with that.
How do I write this?
My addiction, started way too young, it was written. Before Lenny and Erin. But they were the ones who caught me, or called me out on it. and trust me EMBARACING. But just cause your caught doesn’t mean you stop. Still I work on it day by day. It’s just so addictive, at first just curious, then want to know more, then it’s a need, and how do you stop needing something. Trust me saying “I will not again” is sooooo much easier said than done.
You know though, It didn’t make me feel good, in fact it had the opposite affect, I felt sick with myself, to the point of I wanted to throw up. to the point of my reflection in the mirror seemed to taunt me, and trust me I wanted to punch a mirror a couple of times.
The other thing that makes me fear love, I am not of virgin, I have no regret, most times. I don’t usually believe in regret, it means you live in the past. At least to me. You know the thing that hurt for me was when I felt like it was everything, but the other made it out to have been just a good time. I don’t know if that is how he truly felt/feels. But that hurt me more than well almost anything. Don’t be stupid when it comes to sex, please, it can be more damaging to your emotions than anything if you aren’t careful.
I can’t regret writing this, nor can I regret making it so anyone who wants to read it may. This made me the person I am today. And this looks sooo negative, but I needed it. There were a lot of emotions I hadn’t gotten out, and I needed to. I love my family and will protect them to no end. They have all made mistakes, but we have apologized and forgave each other, so please don’t judge, especially when I gave you a bad perspective from a bad time of most of them.
I am who I am because of these things, I wouldn’t change anything in my past…. Well that’s not true, I would have stayed in contact with friends better, but I cannot dwell on that, and just hope it’s not to late to repair damage done.
Thanks for reading, I hope it helped you in a way I never thought it would.
Well See Ya Folks.
~D