Something Needed to Say

There are times I hate myself. Hate so burning I just want to cry, scream, to give up. I mean what can I do? How do you change yourself? People say don’t take the easy way, do what you want to do. What if you don’t know what that is? What do you have left when you don’t even know who you are any more?
I guess this is a book of questions, I don’t know. I sure as hell don’t know. I’m just the writer, I don’t know what is being said, I just know it has to be said. And what is that.
Sometimes I feel like I am a mistake, that God looked at me and thought ‘Crap that was a little off, but hey lets let her live, she might prove to be humorous to me.’ I know I am not the only one who has felt like this, and if you are one of those that have felt this way you know that it doesn’t help knowing that.
So I am not the “good Christian girl”, you know what I’m not ashamed of that. I’m so happy I have the belief in God as I do. But that doesn’t make me feel any less of a freak. I feel so turned upside down that I don’t know what to think anymore.
I believe God has a plan, but I am tired of seeing what it is all about. I’m tired of feeling like he only loves me sometimes, especially when I know its not true. Now I know what I say will offend many people, I won’t pretend I have good language or hell I won’t promise anything.
My only promise is that this is me. The me you never knew.
I didn’t know this is what this would be, and I don’t know where it will go, but it is for you, and I don’t even know who you are.
I don’t feel like I deserve to be loved, it’s true. I run from that emotion, not like parental love, though I don’t trust my parents with that still. I know how much it can hurt when your family is torn up by divorce. My mom left on valentines, I HATE that holiday. It was the first fight I heard my parents have.
And she left. How could she leave? I was thirteen, how could she leave me there? Sure I still saw her. I still loved her, and she still loved me. But how then could she then ask me who I wanted to live with. Saying, of course, that whatever I chose would not hurt her feelings. I was thirteen and I was the adult in our relationship.
I hated when she got drunk. Do you know she told me I wasn’t her favorite? Flat out told me, you know how much that hurts, not even 16 and holding your mom when she is crying and saying that? I never thought I would relive these feelings… This is harder than I thought it would be. After everything I did for her, she still got drunk and told me these things.
My father wasn’t much better. We would have “family meetings” where he would yell and talk down to us. How horrible we were for not doing this or that. I was in 7th grade, and failing at that. Then every few weeks there would be no water, no power, no food. Have you ever had to wash your hair in a bowl of water, not because your family has no money, but because your father didn’t pay the bill, he gambled the money away? Having to tell your father you cannot stay at his house because of how you are treated, because of what you don’t have?
While all this happened Daniel, didn’t make it to important events, even after he said he would. My eighth grade graduation. I didn’t get the party like all my other siblings did either, but Dustin got his GED grad party instead. I got none of that. Daniel, selfishly moved to who knows where without much word.
Now you may understand why I feel abandoned and why I fear relationships. And Beth? I don’t remember much about Beth when we were younger, not much about the trip with the family minus mom to South Carolina, I just didn’t know her.
I moved in with Lenny and Erin, dropped out of high school, got my GED, and got a job by the spring after my 16th birthday. Everything happened pretty quietly, no parties, not much congratulations that I remember. Lenny and Erin’s was hard, because no matter how much they told me they wouldn’t leave me, or kick me out, how could I believe them, my own mother had left me, my father neglected me. Why wouldn’t they?
I moved back with my dad after thanksgiving right before my 17th birthday, he had changed, and while I never fully trusted him, I loved him and forgave him. Please don’t think my Dad or Mom for that matter are bad people, they just made some stupid mistakes, and while I will never forget, I will always forgive them if they truly are sorry. I love them, but I cannot forget how much they can hurt me.
Now here comes another fun part to talk about, religion and belief. I believe in God, I always will, I don’t always believe in the church big C and little c. I think they try but humans screw up so much, I don’t think it is exactly what God says it should be, but then neither are human. I won’t throw much of what I believe in here, because that would be too long. But I will touch on points I will be writing about.
These things are well, and I can’t believe I am writing this, Sex and Porn. Sex is between husband and wife, that’s just what I believe. Porn, well it’s not good. Yeah we’ll stick with that.
How do I write this?
My addiction, started way too young, it was written. Before Lenny and Erin. But they were the ones who caught me, or called me out on it. and trust me EMBARACING. But just cause your caught doesn’t mean you stop. Still I work on it day by day. It’s just so addictive, at first just curious, then want to know more, then it’s a need, and how do you stop needing something. Trust me saying “I will not again” is sooooo much easier said than done.
You know though, It didn’t make me feel good, in fact it had the opposite affect, I felt sick with myself, to the point of I wanted to throw up. to the point of my reflection in the mirror seemed to taunt me, and trust me I wanted to punch a mirror a couple of times.
The other thing that makes me fear love, I am not of virgin, I have no regret, most times. I don’t usually believe in regret, it means you live in the past. At least to me. You know the thing that hurt for me was when I felt like it was everything, but the other made it out to have been just a good time. I don’t know if that is how he truly felt/feels. But that hurt me more than well almost anything. Don’t be stupid when it comes to sex, please, it can be more damaging to your emotions than anything if you aren’t careful.
I can’t regret writing this, nor can I regret making it so anyone who wants to read it may. This made me the person I am today. And this looks sooo negative, but I needed it. There were a lot of emotions I hadn’t gotten out, and I needed to. I love my family and will protect them to no end. They have all made mistakes, but we have apologized and forgave each other, so please don’t judge, especially when I gave you a bad perspective from a bad time of most of them.
I am who I am because of these things, I wouldn’t change anything in my past…. Well that’s not true, I would have stayed in contact with friends better, but I cannot dwell on that, and just hope it’s not to late to repair damage done.
Thanks for reading, I hope it helped you in a way I never thought it would.
Well See Ya Folks.
~D